Hello, and welcome. Tonight, we'll be discussing these pivotal questions:

1. Who am I?
2. Where did I come from?
3. Why do I still have that stupid goatee?
4. Don't I know that's been out of style for years?

1. Joseph M. Mallon, not be confused with any other Joe Mallon. I'm not related to the one from England, and the one who's quoted in micromachining articles is my dad, of whom I'm quite proud.
2. Originally, New Jersey, but mostly Pennsylvania, till I moved to Indiana, and then to California.
3. Because I look even worse without it, and my wife likes it.
4. Yes.

I am an amateur musician. For samples of my work, and that of other deserving types, check out the on-line jukebox. I am a featured player on a tribute to Scott Miller, the best songwriting guy ever. The tribute is called Friends of the Family, and you need it.

Should you want full-length versions of my songs (and why wouldn't you?), you can mail me a 90-minute tape. On one side will be my greatest hits, and on the other, whatever music I have lying around. I'll even pay for the return postage. Such a bargain! Drop me an e-mail, and I'll give you the address. (Like I'd really put my address on a Web Page!)

If you're wondering what kind of musical equipment I use, you've got way too much free time on your hands. Congratulations - you must have finished your work early, or be avoiding it altogether. I use equipment made by the following manufacturers, none of whom have given me a damn thing in exchange for this mention (but I'm willing to take offers):

• Korg
• Yamaha
• DOD
• Fender

Looking for something fun to do? Try this on for size. Finally, the Internet's true potential as an information-dispensing tool is realized!

I have good friends, mostly by choice. Some of them have assembled on a mailing list for aforementioned nonpareil musical artiste Scott Miller. Those folks are:

• Janet Ingraham Dwyer, whose love story (not sad, but true) rates as one of the most romantic I've heard, and I'm more or less cold-hearted when it comes to that kind of stuff
• Doug Mayo-Wells
• Roger J. Winston

Non-Scott-based friends:

• Anton C. Shepps, genius by trade.
• Brent Lewellen & Randall James, makers of excellent music as Hilarius Bookbinder. Buy everything they've released so they can make some more.
• Deb Arce & Julie Van Hove, proprietors of Electralux, the only electronic design firm you'll ever need.

Like all sentient mammals, I enjoy music, from Philly soul to heavy metal, with stops at 80's jangle, and prog rock. Eclectic? I prefer disjointed and abstruse, thank you.

Of course, I like The Simpsons, Dilbert, and a lot of other crap (though not the X-Files) most people on the Net do, but if you were looking for those things, you'd be there by now, since they're laughably easy to find. Click the Net Search button and have a ball.

And now, here's some gratuitous nudity. Thank you all for coming, and don't forget to tip your waitresses.